So this post is a long time coming and something I have reconsidered over and over again. It’s very personal to me but since my Ayahuasca experience, and since coming forth to be transparent on this blog, I know my followers enjoy my honesty.
So here goes.
I’m sure you have all heard that Ayahusaca will turn your world upside down. Heck, that’s an understatement. Even though I am very transparent on my blog, I still honour my privacy so this will be an overview.
I came out as a lesbian 10 years ago and left my unfulfilled marriage. Not to say I didn’t love my ex, very much so, but something deeply was missing. I knew as a child that there was a grand love for me, and it was this knowledge that I continue to believe today.
Nothing will stop me from finding who the Universe created for me. When I came out I had been fighting the attraction to women since I hit puberty, so heck I figured I’m gay! HAHA! The Universe is always changing things up, trust me. My belief that I was lesbian was shattered during Ayahuasca.
Mama Ayahuasca took me deep into my patterns of what I was withholding from my own children based on my abusive past which miraculously played into my own denial of my sexuality. For me, it was never about the physical body but the energy. The feminine softness energy I found in women was my attraction, not the body.
It’s been a month now since I was in Cancun, and it’s taken me this long to finally be ok that I am not a lesbian, but a lover of soul energy. Never have I been one to date people on looks anyways, I have been with every size, male and female. What I realized was that my sexuality came to a point that I was seeking a feminine energy reflection of what I was lacking in myself.
I denied my feminine side for a very long time. Granted I played in my sexiness while I was heavily active in the LGBTQ community, doing burlesque, going to Oasis Lounge, marching topless at Toronto World Pride. That wasn’t real femininity. Its what the world tells us what femininity is, to become empowered and righteous in the feminine movement.
I have to say I too got pulled into that. Not to say that women shouldn’t be empowered, yet we can not forget our natural feminine energy of sacred sensuality. To honour our temples. To nurture ourselves in great kindness so that we may nurture and accept others. To love deeply so that we may love others deeply. To provide a space of revival, reprise, and rejuvenation for the masculine energy to bask in. When I speak to feminine and masculine energy, I’m not referring to the physical body, I am only referring to the energy.
I always thought I was more masculine because I was successful in my life, I have been able to raise my children alone, buy a couple of houses, travel, take an early retirement, go live in Bali for 7 months, etc. It wasn’t that I was more masculine, it was that my masculine was out of balance, and my feminine was hiding deep within me in a very painful space.
It wasn’t until my feminine energy was pointed out to me at the retreat that it hit me like a ton of bricks. My entire identity shattered. My lesbian persona began to fade and I was scared. Terrified that my entire life was a lie. Someone as aware as myself!!?? How could this happen? That was when my spiritual ego came crashing down.
Mama Ayahuasca showed me that I am more feminine than masculine, that I had to switch into my natural feminine side that I hid for so long and to recognize that the love of my life that I was seeking all this time wasn’t feminine energy, it was masculine energy. The attraction I was looking for all this time was from a place of lack. I wanted to see my feminine energy reflected back to me in another because I craved it. My soul wanted to see my own nurturing divine well of pure love to be mirrored back into my own heart. That’s what I was seeking when I was with women. Once I found my femininity in myself is when I recognized my attraction to the masculine energy. It gave me direction and clarity, unlike anything I had experienced before. For once I felt balanced internally.
So where does that leave me? HA! Your guess is as good as mine. I’m totally open, putting no restrictions on love. I am done with labels. I have no idea what I am now and that is ok. All I know is I have a very good understanding of what Mama Ayahuasca has shown me and where my life is headed. Right now I am practising to have a reverent love to hold my body as a sacred temple. I don’t want anyone to be in my vibe unless it is who the Universe made with me. For when my divine masculine is aligned and ready for all of this amazing union, I will be ready as well.
I release it all to the Divinity of the Universe. AHO!