Leaving for the Mexcian forest to meet Mama Ayahuasca. This Monday I will start my fasting. That means, no more cannabis, processed food, no booze (I hardly drink anyway), no sex (ughhhhh I’m in a consensual non-monogamous agreement right now) she will be happy to see I use that label correctly HAHAHA, and back to veganism after the water fast.
I have been having a lot of trouble getting back into working out and that’s because I have done it all before. Kickboxing, personal trainer, swimming, aerobics etc. You name it I have done it. I LOVE working out but the motivation behind it just doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Working out in the past (been doing this since I was 15 working out intensely) was all about how my body felt and I realized that I had some type of underlying “ego” reason for working out. I worked out mainly because its good for me and I love the feeling of really pushing myself, and getting a great sweat on…But then there is the other side of me that says it doesn’t have to be this hard and why is it that I have to work really really really REALLY intensely to maintain a body that doesn’t feel that natural to me.
I have been curvy my entire life, and my digestion has been messed up since I was a kid, so I don’t even feel I have given my physical body the opportunity to be what it’s meant to be! When I was the baby I didn’t even double my birth weight at 1 years old. So I was put on high-fat formula etc. By the time I hit around age 8, the sexual abuse had stopped but I was then put on diets and forced to drink 2 litres of water before I could even do anything else. Every day in front of the TV I forced myself to drink the water so I could be thin and be who my family wanted me to be. I grew up being told on a consistent basis to lose weight.
Yes emotionally abusive as well.
Don’t forget I’m West Indian and grew up being called FATS my entire life. It was normal to hear from aunts, parents, uncles and cousins “oh Rena is so pretty if she just lost weight”
This isn’t about casting a light on my past or blaming anyone. Whatever, I have moved on from that, I have forgiven everyone and I’m so over it. I am simply giving you a reference point and some background of where I came from and what I have healed in my life.
I then had eating disorders in my teens, purging and vomiting and doing a lot of self-harm picking and cutting myself. So you see, my digestion and my body have not been functioning properly for a really long time. When I was maintaining a 6 days work out schedule with a personal trainer, I have had to be very strict to maintain my size 8. It too became a cage and everyone knows I love my freedom.
As always I asked the Universe there HAS to be a better way!
I’m now a size 14/16 but not motivated at all. I told the Universe, if I’m going to get back into the body that I was naturally meant to have, I need something deeper and more meaningful to be my incentive to keeping such a regiment.
This is when the calling to plant medicine and Shamanism came up. I truly believe that Ayahuasca will balance my physical body and heal the areas I couldn’t. I’ve gone deeper than most, and have healed my years of anxiety, chronic depression and complex PTSD. There is still something that goes so far back, that I can’t see, something that has to do with my physical digestion and the connection between my brain and my gut.
Cannabis has been helping but that too isn’t enough, there is more. Doing this cleanse to prep myself for clear healing is finally the last step, the rites of passage I have been hearing from the Spirits, to move now more fully into my body. The Ayahuasca will bring all of this into my life and I will also be aligned fully with my calling.
This is how beautiful the Universe works. When we let go we are guided. I have struggled for a long time with getting back into working out and most people would say just change your mind and do it. No that doesn’t work for me, it has in the past but at this point in my journey, it’s all about listening.
I sat back and waited for the calling and the action to unfold, and this is what it looks like. I don’t want to make choices anymore based on my mind or what we should be doing. I’m going to wait patiently to be guided by the Universe.
Not only am I finally going to cleanse my body, and get back into eating properly, and working out, it’s the motivation behind the efforts I have been asking for. That’s the beauty of this. I sat and allowed and this what I have been given. Everything I have wanted to be wrapped up in 1 package.
I love my body, every size I have been I have felt sexy. It’s now more or less how much heaviness do I want to move around, and yet how can this too be inspired by the Universe to get me going.
Spiritual mission and alignment is the answer. The Universe has combined this journey into one. Soon I will be going to an amazing Ayahuasca retreat in the Mexican jungle, to face me and step fully into myself in all ways (physical, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally)
I’m no longer making the shots in my life. The Universe is showing me where to go and I am following whole heartily!
For the next two weeks, I will be blogging about the fasting and the eating that I will be doing and maybe even be sharing some before and after pics before I take off for the retreat.
So here goes. I have 2 days left before the cleanse starts. EEEEK. God help my children. LOL